Can men and women ever be just good friends?

By: Hugh Wilson

In the enlightened 21st century you probably have a female friend or two. But can men and women really get past the sex thing?

Many men still think Harry (from When Harry Met Sally) had it right. Men
and women can't ever be true friends, because sex always gets in the
way.

That piece of throwaway celluloid wisdom has almost become a
self-fulfilling prophecy. Men and women can't be friends because their
red-blooded desire is bound to get the better of them sometime. And even
if it doesn't, bona fide romantic partners will come to view the friend
as a potential rival, leaving one relationship or the other floundering
on the rocks.

You have to admit that it's a shame. A female friend can give you things
that your male friends just can't, and we're not talking about sex.
Female friends can be an unrivalled source of comfort and feminine
wisdom.

So with that in mind, we ask: can men and women ever really be friends? Here are the pros and cons.

The pros
There are very few male/female friendships portrayed in films and on TV,
and those that are invariably lead to romance. The friendship is just a
stage the characters have to get through before realising how very much
in love (and lust) they are.

Friendships devoid of lust are possible
But that's not necessarily true off-screen. A study published in the
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships looked at different kinds
of friendships and found that a friendship bond between a man and woman
devoid of lust was possible, and that was as true for men as women. A
man could find a female friend attractive, but not always want to sleep
with her.

Some experts also believe that the idea that men and women can't be
platonic friends - which originates long before When Harry Met Sally -
should be consigned to the past.

In an era when men went out to work and women stayed at home, both
genders only tended to mix romantically. These days, we comfortably mix
at work, at home and in our recreational activities, so male/female
friendships are a natural and welcome consequence.

You can get brilliant emotional support
All of which is great, because a female friend can be a boon for men. In
fact, in one study men rated their friendships with women as some of
the best they had.

That's because female friends give men the chance to share their
feelings and get advice on personal matters, things they don't often do
with male mates.

"Men might find it easier to open up to a female friend about emotional
problems than they would to another man," says Kate Taylor, relationship
expert for Match.com. "Women might be more supportive and encouraging
than men, and less likely to tease."

On the other hand, it's certainly true that platonic friendships with
women can be more testing than all male friendships, and that's at least
partly because of the possibility of unrequited sexual tension.

"It's mainly that one of the friends will start to want more than the
other," says Taylor. "When this happens, things can get strained. There
can be jealousy towards your friend's dates, which is often displayed as
moodiness, or unfair criticism towards the third party. If you feel
that one of your platonic friends seems to dislike all your partners, it
may be they secretly care about you romantically."

Watching the friend you secretly fancy swan around with other men can be
tough. In the study published in the Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, 62% of the respondents admitted to sexual tension in
their male/female friendships.

Mixed signals are always a danger

Research by Kathy Werking, author of We're Just Good
Friends, showed that the most positive thing both men and women get out
of platonic friendships is the chance to talk one-to-one. She found that
many male/female friendships are highly mutually supportive. Both
parties get a lot out of them.

Cons:
One friend might start to want more
On the other hand, it's certainly true that platonic friendships with
women can be more testing than all male friendships, and that's at least
partly because of the possibility of unrequited sexual tension.

"It's mainly that one of the friends will start to want more than the
other," says Taylor. "When this happens, things can get strained. There
can be jealousy towards your friend's dates, which is often displayed as
moodiness, or unfair criticism towards the third party. If you feel
that one of your platonic friends seems to dislike all your partners, it
may be they secretly care about you romantically."

Watching the friend you secretly fancy swan around with other men can be
tough. In the study published in the Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, 62% of the respondents admitted to sexual tension in
their male/female friendships.

Mixed signals are always a danger

Women, in particular, disliked the fact that a supposedly
platonic friend might misinterpret a supportive hug. Friends of
different genders often have to walk a fine line between being playful,
supporting and flirty, in the knowledge that physical contact, in
particular, can be easily misconstrued.

They also have to put up with the nudge-nudge remarks of same-sex
friends. If you're friends with an attractive woman, expect a relentless
examination of the relationship by mates in the pub. "You're not really
just friends are you?" won't be the half of it.

Girlfriends and dates might get jealous
Finally, a close female friend will most probably attract the jealousy of dates and girlfriends.

"Partners can sometimes feel threatened by a close friendship you have
with someone of the opposite sex," says Taylor. "They might start
questioning if it really is truly platonic."

But she also suggests a solution. "If that happens, you can erase a lot
of the doubt by introducing your partner to your friend. Let them see
for themselves how distinctly unromantic you are together," she adds.

The verdict:
Male/female friendships are hard work, but worth it
So can men and women be friends? The answer is yes, of course, and as
the genders mix more than ever, mixed gender friendships are becoming
more common. But they take work, an acceptance of boundaries and the
strength of mind to put up with the barracking of the boys in the pub.
But they're almost certainly worth it. As well as everything else, says
Taylor, "female friends will give you great dating advice."