Summer holidays: the good girl's guide

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By: Cathy Lette

It's the summer holidays - a time to give good hedonism. But first there
are a few dos and don'ts every girl should know. Kathy Lette spills the
beans..

The dos and don'ts of a summer holiday

Sex. It's fun to have a holiday fling, but best not to get
intimate with the entire coast of Ibiza. And don't mistake falling in
lust for love. Okay, the sex may be sensational. You are an FBI agent's
wet dream - you have fingerprints all over you. But remember that a
holiday romance lasts as long as your tan. Speaking of which...

Tanning.
If sun worship is your only religion - become an atheist. Wear factor
50, or you could end up getting more than you basked for, like a
melanoma.

Body. The worst thing about
appearances is that they are deceptive. Inside I'm Claudia Schiffer. But
don't waste your holiday worrying about breast size, cellulite and body
shape. What's the point of going on holiday to a food capital of the
world, then only licking the odd sultana for lunch? Ask yourself this,
where do models keep their internal organs anyway, in their handbags?

Costume dramas.
A costume drama is not a BBC documentary with bustles and bonnets. It's
angsting over whether you're too old to wear a bikini. My advice is -
dare to bare. While it's best not to loll about in a bikini which
reveals parts of your anatomy only an obstetrician should see, nobody
ever calls an aged bloke in his 'budgie smugglers' mutton dressed as
ram.

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Waxing.
A teeny weeny bikini can give 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.
Still, don't opt for the full Brazilian. A waxed pudenda may sound
erotic but when it's growing back it looks like a shag rug that's been
terrorized.

Exercise. All year you've been
only slightly more active than a pot plant. You get winded licking
stamps. Now suddenly you're kayaking, scuba diving, parasailing....
Well, not only is parasailing a euphemism for 'organ donor' but you'll
be so sore from overdoing the physical exertion, the only way you'll be
able to brush your teeth is to place the toothbrush on the sink and move
your mouth back and forth over it. Which could cramp your style in the
boudoir olympics. So limit your exercise to running up the odd bill.

Hitchhiking. Never hitch a ride. Hitchhiking means relying on the kindness of passing psychopaths.

Bottle fatigue.
Sure, drinking to excess is fun - if your idea of fun is waking up in
an unfamiliar country with nipple jewellery. Remember, alcohol is not a
major food group.

And finally, you don't need to stay in a resort so exclusive that only
the tide can get in to have a good time. All you need for the perfect
summer holiday is a beach and a good book, so you can also surf your
brain waves. Happy holidays!a