Cracking the Valentines Day code

By: Kathy Lette





Kathy Lette, who's named after a diary, has had many
dates. "To save you broken hearts and broken plates, let me share my
experiences on what men really mean when they sign that Valentine's day
card," she says. Find out more…



Most men approach commitment with the same enthusiasm a naked bloke approaches a barbed wire fence. But Valentine's Day really puts a potential spouse on the spot. It's make or break time.

What
does your beau really mean to say in his Valentine's Day card? Is your
partner scared of commitment or just plain tongue-tied? To find a prince
a girl has to kiss a lot of frogs... But deciphering your Valentine's
Day card is a good way of finding out if he has amphibian tendencies.
Love may be blind, but Valentine's Day is a real eye opener...

For
example, if your beloved signs his card with a casual 'kind regards'
then stop fantasising about the cute little joint message you're
intending to leave on your answering machine. For you, commitment means
love, marriage and happy-ever-afters... For a man like this,
'commitment' means a 'meaningful' one-night stand - preferably with
seven bi-sexual hookers.

'Take care'
means that he's taking you for granted. It also indicates that the
bloke's an emotional bonsai - you'll have to whack the fertilizer on to
get any feelings out of him. Never marry a man like this. Your small
intestine will communicate with you more often than he does.

Mister 'Take care' may not have the best emotional responses compared to other men
or even certain species of plankton, but worse is the cynically cool -
'Best wishes'. He's wishing he had the best woman imaginable - a
lingerie model who owns a brewery.

'Thinking of you' is
the kind of ambiguous phrase men use to lead a woman on. But he's not
thinking of proposing... he's thinking of you naked. For men like this,
it's a novelty to be with a female he doesn't have to inflate. A
commitment-phobe like this has been on so many blind dates he should be
given a free dog.

Equally suspect is the man who signs off with a casual 'Hugs and kisses'.
Girls, this is all he wants from you. Confide that you've recently
adopted a very obscure, Tibetan religion which embraces abstinence with
such fervour that the Pope will soon be ringing you up for tips on
celibacy - and watch his affection wane along with his erection.

Some
men find words too incriminating and simply draw a love heart. Men like
this like to remain foot-loose and fiancée free. Straight after he gets
his Valentine's Day sex, he'll tell you that he's over you. Over you?
What are you? The flu? You may think that heart symbol means that love
is in the air, but all that's in the air will be the exhaust of his
sports car as he speeds off into the sunset. Women worry about faking
the odd orgasm. Well, a bloke can fake a whole damn love affair.

But girls, if your fella writes in bold hand in black pen, 'WITH LOVE' - this means you've found your Knight in Shining Armani.

Happy Valentine's Day and may you not get a card-iac-arrest. Happy hunting!